I’ll Remember.

The first thing we want to do when we loose someone we love is to forget. To forget so the pain goes away. To forget so we can move on without hurting all the time. Still, forgetting is never the solution, on the contrary it should be the opposite. If we remember, we can keep them alive inside. They will never go.

In The Never-ending Story, by Michael Ende, the curse that came with Bastian’s wishes in order to restablish Fantasia is that with every one of them he will lose one of his memories, until the end when the last one remaining is about his mother who died before the start of the tale. He clings to that very last one so he doesn’t forget. The second half of the book deals with that struggle to keep remembering who he is. I can’t remember how it ends tho.

It’s been almost 30 years since I heard the song that gives the title of this entry for the first time. It has been one of my favourites for all these years. Still up until last August I didn’t get the whole message written within the lyrics. Even when I lost my sister it was not accurate 100%. Now I know and I can relate to the complete song. Although it comes from a sad moment in my life I think that once again, a long time ago, Madonna nailed it and printed exactly how I am feeling after the passing of my aunt and my sister.

This song was written in 1994 by Madonna and her long time co writer Patrick Leonard. It was published after the Erotica era and all the fuss it made. It was the soundtrack of a movie called With Honors.

Here come the lyrics.

Hmm, hmm
Say goodbye
Not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say goodbye
Not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

Chorus.
And I’ll remember
The strength that you gave me
Now that I’m standing on my own
I’ll remember
The way that you saved me
I’ll remember

Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing

Chorus
And I’ll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I’m standing on my own
I’ll remember
The way that you changed me
I’ll remember

Bridge
I learned
To let go
Of the illusion
That we can possess
I learned to let go
I travel in stillness
And I’ll remember happiness
I’ll remember, hmm
I’ll remember, hmm

Chorus
And I’ll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I’m standing on my own
I’ll remember
The way that you changed me
I’ll remember (I’ll rememeber)
Now I’ll never be afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I’ll remember (I’ll remember)
Now I’ll never be afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I’ll remember (I’ll remember)
Now I’ll never be afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I’ll remember (I’ll remember)
Now I’ll never be afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
Remember

They say we never value our belongings until we lose them. With people it often means when they die. They teach us lessons we are only able to fully comprehend once they are gone.

When I lost my aunt I realised how much she meant to me, and how much she gave to me and how she made me who I am today. As I wrote on Death Becomes Her I owe her so much, I am still discovering new ways she did make a difference in my life. I wouldn’t be here writing this if it wasn’t because of her.

The loss of my sibling taught me that I will always have a reason to cry, and no one will ever make me feel bad for it. Those tears would come whenever they would and I will accept them. It doesn’t matter whether it is the right place or not, or the correct moment or not. They will just happen. I won’t fight them. The Day The Music Died and The Day The Magic Died. The pain is now part of me.

With the deaths of my sister and my aunt I learned to let go. I learned how to mend all that was broken inside, but most of all I learned how to live. I understood that huge hollow gap that I felt inside, and why I always felt out of place in the world. Life doesn’t wait for you, the world doesn’t stop spinning and you have to keep moving. There is always time to mourning. All the baggage we keep and cling onto are just pulling us down. It keeps the wounds open and the pain flowing out of it. We have to let them go.

The love they gave us will always remain, it will prevail through time, and will eventually heal our pain. Although that will probably take more time than we want to. In the end we have to accept that we are alone and we have to find the way to connect with the people that love us so we can survive. It all makes a whole, sadness and pain, love and happiness, those are the different sides of the same coin and we can’t have one without the other. That doesn’t mean we have to dwell in the sorrow, it will remind us we are alive and enjoy more the happy parts of our lifes.

I thought I had moved on and I was in peace with everything. Until last trip to Malaga, we were visiting the castle on top of the city, the views upon it are amazing. Of course it was full of people from different nationalities. All was good when suddenly I had a shiver coming up my spine, I saw my sister. Obviously not her because she is no longer with us, she hasn’t been for the last 6 years now. I saw someone who looked exactly like her, from the back and from the side. She moved exactly like my sister, had the same kind of hairdo she used to, and the sunglasses were the same type of those she had. I must have turned white or something because my fiancé asked me if I was OK. I told him what just happened. He never had the chance to met her so he couldn’t understand but he was interested in this situation, since it could be a way for them to finally meet.

It was her, but not her. She walked passed us, at close range it was obviously another woman, but still not that different as the other times I’ve had that feeling. I already had that kind of experience, in the past, where you think you saw someone like her but it wasn’t really like her, they move and you see that it was just an illusion. It has happened to us many many times. This one tho, it was different. She moved and it was even more shocking.

I had to sit, but I wouldn’t let this opportunity pass by. I thought if she was really like her, which I needed to check again, it could be my chance to say goodbye. So I discreetly followed them. That was easy because we were in a public place where most of the assistants would be walking in the same direction. Now I regret I didn’t take any pictures, but it felt odd already. They were from somewhere Eastern Europe. She looked how my sister would have hadn’t she died. I pretended it was her, for a couple of minutes I played as if she was there with her boyfriend from Ukraine or something and they were just visiting ahead of us. It was weird. At some point I had to stop, it was making me feel sick, I could feel my heartbeat in my head and I was starting to get dizzy. I couldn’t talk to her or say anything or explain why I was behaving funny. So I let them go. They disappeared in the crowd and I never saw them again. I will keep my memory of her that I had forgotten, how she walked, talked, and behaved. I forgot all that made her who she was.

And just like that I remembered everything.

23/02/2023