The Voices

I previously wrote about being voiceless because of a cold. I meant literally, but I want also to write about the voices, if we can call them like that, that guide us every day. I am not talking about schizophrenia, but just as a figure of speech. Still it makes me think about the song with Rihanna and Eminem called The Monster.

In a world where mental health is trending but still no one takes care of it as they should, where if you go to therapy they call you nuts, are we all crazy? Should we listen to the voices in our heads?

As you know I went to the shrink for help some years ago, but I think I should have done it way before that. It happened in a moment when everything was black and I could not see the light anymore. My friends didn’t understand me, my family couldn’t help, as they were unaware of my issues, and of course some people took advantage of me being weak and played with my mind.

When I started with the writing thing I thought it would feel good to write down intimate stuff I was feeling and maybe it would heal my soul. The issue was I censored myself a lot. I never wanted to say or write what the actual issues were. I tried to always look positive and be nice and write about hopeful stuff, whilst I was feeling the opposite.

I wrote about relationships and heartbreak but never digging deep enough, and of course never reading it back, so I was doomed to fail. I never said how bad things felt. This is the important point how you feel. Things can be bad or just not a big deal, but it is the way we feel them that makes all the difference. I have learned the hard way that we never pay attention to that and it is what matters. I lost my sibling because she was in pain and we never saw it, we never dug enough in her feelings, and now it’s too late.

I never stopped to think why I was miserable and sad, and why I had a wound that hurt so much. I just smiled or put a smile on my face, to be honest, and kept moving on. I never listened to the voice in my head that was screaming for help. I only did with that one that kept saying go on, don’t stop, crying is for the weak. I learned how to shut them all except those ones that pushed me to keep going on. In the end they blew up.

One of the first things I spoke about with my therapist is about the voices in my head. I felt odd and weird as I didn’t want to sound like I was crazy or schizophrenic. They were not actual voices. She reassured me and created a safe space for me to talk about them. I told her previous people I went to for help said to me not to listen to them so they would end up disappearing. Instead they became a white noise that tired me up and made me feel sick.

According to her I needed to acknowledge them, maybe not feed them but be aware of their existence and try to see what they wanted from me. One was very interesting, so to speak. It was one that was with me forever, it always tells me I am not good enough and I deserve all the bad things that happens to me. I got so used to it and to not listen that it found a way through. That’s what made me go through so much pain and failed relationships. It would guide me towards people who would hurt me and prove me the voice was right. When I denied it it became stronger. Once I heard it and realised it was there even if incorrectly, it stopped being such a pain. I can still hear it sometimes, but never as loud as it was. I hear it but I know it is wrong.

Wrong is also the other one I used to hear and listen all the time. This one would say constantly I don’t need anyone, I don’t need help, I am stronger than anyone and help is for the weak, which is not me. This one seemed OK in the beginning but it prevented me for being myself and from getting the help I needed. It ended up taking me away from the people I loved and from the ones who cared for me. It isolated me from everyone. You don’t need anyone. This is why it took me so long to go to therapy. Once I got there I also learned to listen to it but as previously said, not to trust it. We all need help and we are not invincible. It is OK to be weak and to ask for support. Yes, we can cry.

She said to me I needed to listen to them and figure out what they wanted from me. To listen with some perspective and to learn from them. None is completely wrong nor right. They may come handy or on the other hand they can produce so much harm, as I already learned. Bouncing from the evil one to the other one was hurting me and the people around me. I noticed I could go from being happy and proud to feeling miserable and self destructive within minutes. That was scary. They have no balance if you don’t control them.

Some other voices are really handy. They may be less extreme, like not telling me I am worthless all the time or that I am invincible, but bringing some balance in the mix. One thing I got from the sessions with my therapist is the following, I need to think things a lot, and one way to do it is talking to myself, to see how they fit into my life. So if I were to silence all the voices in my head, as some people adviced, I would end up wonky. I know some people who do the same. They hace actual conversations with themselves. For someone like me that needs so much to express himself, they are a great solution.

Sometimes they make mistakes, the one that tells me all the time that everything will be fine, failed epically the day my sister died. I had a lot of issues to be able to trust it again. I ended up forgiving myself and moving on, so I could follow their callings again. It took me quite some time to be able to hear them again. Not just the one that would repeat constantly it should have been me. It came back, the first one to do it, telling me how useless I was and how badly I deserved to suffer, but I had the tools to fight with it, which I did.

Another one is what some call intuition and others gut. My pilates teachers used to tell me to trust my guts since they were right most of the time, if not always. That should be good enough for me. This is the one I use the most. It is like common sense but more accurate. Sometimes you wonder if you should turn left or right, or go now, or on the other hand, to stay. Having a good intuition helps, and what is it other than a voice in your head?

I learned it was OK to have them, it was fine to listen to them, but not to feed them too much, because they would end up destroying myself. I was taught how to deal with them and how important they can be, but most of all, not to be ashamed. We all have our things, and this is mine.

June 2022