Toxic (people).

I have been reading a lot lately about people having issues with new relationships and how, most of the time, they end up breaking up with them and feeling bad about it. As I wrote on a previous post called Red Flag., we have some signs that could help us avoid to deal with them or at least to minimise the damage.

When it comes to toxic people, what are the signs that can help us get far away from them? Can we really avoid them before it’s too late? Do they know that they are toxic?

Apparently we get more and more aware of this kind of people and we can prevent the bad situations they put us in. I would say this is because we get more experienced as we grow older but also because people share those experiences more often than before. It used to feel weird to be abused or mistreated by men, but nowadays even if you may feel ashamed, it is more common, and expressing it helps others to open their eyes. We are not alone.

The first thing to learn and know is exactly that: you are not alone. It has happened to others and there is no shame in saying your partner or your love interest is not who people think he or she is. It happens more often than you may think. They are everywhere.

You already know I had quite few bad experiences with men in the past, and most of them were because I thought they were right, because I thought that’s how love works. It is not. It took me a lot of time and pain to get to the point where I learned this is not what I deserve and it is not good nor fair.

Most of the time I got with what the French call a pervers narcissique (PN). Those are the ones that put the blame of everything on you or on others except them. They present themselves as victims most of the time of what others did to them, and in the end it all evolves around them and their desires. If you have doubts about your relationship just ask you this question : is it always my or the others fault what happens to him or her? Most of the time if the answer is yes, you are facing someone like that.

It’s not an easy task because most of the time they are very charming people towards the others. Hell is only when you are alone. When surrounded by friends or family they behave excellently and are the best person. At home it is different. Which makes it even more complicated to deal with because you won’t have any support from your close friends or family. They don’t know the truth. The inner truth. They haven’t seen the reality you live in.

So you need to make sure and think about it very carefully because you will have to prove to the others and to this person too that you are right about it. This is why I feel it is so important to make this post and to tell people they are not alone. Worst case scenario, and this is hardly ever the case, they are wrong and the person is perfect. Then maybe they need to check why they feel they are being mistreated, it probably has something deep within trying to come out. This might be like 1% of the times, and not even that. In most of the cases they are right about their feelings. This person is not good for them and they need to fix it and probably walk away. Or even run without looking back.

Confrontation won’t work basically because the other side will never see how bad they are treating you. For them you deserve it, and there is nothing wrong with that what they are doing to you. It is normal. They will probably flip it to make it come against you. I don’t recommend confrontation but I do talking things and maybe just ending it the most pacific way possible. If it doesn’t work it is pointless to keep trying.

To be honest I tried that with La Basura and many others and it never worked. They said I was crazy or lazy and I needed to make more efforts for things to work, also to improve my behaviour and stop being so selfish and childish. The only thing positive is they tend to throw everything back at you and put the blame on you and that is a sign it is rotten. So with that new information you can just make the move and go. They will never admit it and never let go or leave on their own, so you need to be the one breaking up with them. There is no other safe way. Unfortunately.

Getting to this point I will have to warn you about gaslighting and how it works. It comes from a movie called Gaslight from 1944 in which the husband manipulates his wife into believing that is is going crazy. Your partner will make you think your reality is altered by madness and has nothing to do with the actual one. They will twist and turn things to make you feel you are losing your mind. Most of the time it will be something discreet but others, like what the Trash used to say to me, would be more upfront. Vous êtes folle et vous avez besoin de voir un psychothérapeute. First it was a joke, until he literally told me I needed help because my head was a mess and I was going crazy. I believed him. I went into therapy and it turned out I was in a bad relationship. I changed it and went away, as far as I could from him.

Some people find out how to escape and why they have to. Others they just can’t see the way because they have been gaslighted so much they don’t know what the reality is anymore. This is really dangerous. You start making excuses for everything bad they do to you and you end up blaming yourself for all the fuss. You believe it is because of you that the relationship is not working, that it is your fault he is being abusive and that, finally, you deserve to be punished. What started as a beautiful love story ends up being hell and you being tortured for crimes you never committed. It is never too late to break the circle and go. Leave the place and start far away from them.

Funny thing is when you discover they are trying as hard as they can to change you into something or someone they want to be with and not who you are. They say it is for your own good, but in fact it isn’t. Most of the time they may just suggest you improve this or that, and one day you realise it is more what they want as an improvement than what you have inside you. Clothes, accessories, haircut, facial or body hair. Etc. As if they were Cristina Cordula. Who asked you for your opinion or help?

I read a couple of days ago from a guy I follow on twitter that aside from all the physical aspects of his persona, the accessories and behaviour, his so called boyfriend also planned their life in another place in the country and with another job. He was literally telling him that in a couple of years they would be moving to X City and looking for a different job and a new life that suit them better than this one he had. The guy is more than 40… Still he was being treated like a teenager going to counselling.

Remember PN never look for your own good but for theirs. Their personal gain comes first and you are just a tool to obtain it. They will use you for your money, for your looks or just so they can abuse you and feel superior to others. Try asking about their past relationships. If they have only bad exes it may be a sign that not all is how it seems. The Trash had no good ones. All of them were evil and all of them were the bad guys. I suspect now in his twisted reality I am the evil bad exboyfriend who left him. Just as I am the horrible person I was told by the Jealous One. Last time I spoke with this latter he told me he wished only bad things for me. Well, some people never learn and never move on. Still he was the one harassing me and making me have anxiety attacks and then telling me he was there for me. I had to pretend I hit myself to hide the bruises he made me have, but I am the bad one. I am the bad one because I saw what it was making me become and I broke up that toxic relationship. I didn’t let him keep playing his mind games. You know what you did. He used to say. Sometimes I didn’t even know what he was talking about. So I ended up thinking it was my fault.

Toxic guys and people in general are very good at their job. They know exactly what to say and how to play their cards so you are the loser. It is not possible to win at their game. The only way is the way out. We need to stop idolising bad guys because in the end they will make us suffer. My grandmother used to tell me, and she still does any time we talk, life is too short to be suffering, if you are in a place or with someone that brings you pain, let it go, go away, cast the pain away. She is right.

June 2022