One thing that I planned on doing since I started writing again is to respect it. Let me elaborate, as I have already said previously, I tend to forget about things and make the same mistakes again and again, and also I have the bad habit of stopping writing when I am too busy or not annoyed with the world. I wanted this to change and here I am. I am saying this basically because after a week and a half at work I am worn out. Like I used to be before, and I don’t want it to have a toll on me, so I will use this as a reminder to myself of why I am doing this, and how to keep on with it. I know myself and I know if I am not careful and I can’t distance myself from the issues they will end up catching up with me and making me sick or worse.
As I started to picture in my mind how to write about this I couldn’t help but wonder why I keep doing this? Is it worth all the fuss? Why don’t I just give up and go back home?
Well basically I would say because of the money. Unfortunately we live in a society that asks for an income to be able to survive, and unfortunately I haven’t won the Euromillions lately (or ever). So I need a job to afford paying the mortgage, fuel, food, either mine or the one for my cats and dogs, and most of all my hobby. Some of you may know I collect diecast model aircrafts from commercial airlines. Which demands money to purchase them but also to have a decent place to display them. Even if IKEA is very cheap, it is not enough.
When I quit the job at the bar I thought I could afford a couple of months with no income and still survive, I was just burnt out from hospitality. I did, but I had to be very picky with going out, buying clothes or food or models. So when I got the message from my boss, although I knew I left it because I wasn’t happy there, I thought I could give it another shot, just so I could buy the stuff I want. This is basically why I do it.
I wrote on previous posts that my intention is, at some point, to move in with my boyfriend and work with him. He needs a partner for his company and I wouldn’t mind doing it. Still this is for the future and the present needs acting on it now. So in the meantime I am a waiter. Every time I have some issue that upsets me at work I think about it. I say to myself it is just temporary, I won’t be here forever, do it for the money. It works most of the time. Even if, when I got notified I will have to work six days in a row, having just one day off, I felt that was not fair. It isn’t but I have been able to go out and have some treats. So it helps.
During the confinements we learned how to look day by day and try not to see in the distance. Here in Spain they extended them in periods of two weeks, until it made months, if they had told us we would be locked down in our houses for that much time I think most of us would have gone crazy. We were also making plans for the future which also helped a bit. Those periods of pain or struggle require we look upon them with caution. If we don’t we may end up in despair.
Working 6 days a week with busy shifts has it. I try just to focus on the day and see for the day off, I think about how it will go faster if more occupied and maybe get better tips so I can get some extra money, but the truth is it takes a toll on me. This is when I get back to the temporary thing. After all we have been through, the goal gets closer each day that passes by. I will probably look back then at this and all the fuss and I will be in the same mood as I do now looking back at my staying in France.
Working during Bank Holiday is something very weird. It is not the first time I have done it, but it is the first one I have worked with no days off. So for me seeing people going to the beach or laying at the swimming pool enjoying the good weather, or the pictures people put on the social media while on holiday feels really odd. I admit I am jealous of them. I haven’t been on a trip for years now. I miss that too. I think it is good for my wallet and I can enjoy it later. Although later is not now.
My last shift was horrendous. We didn’t have as many people as scheduled, we had many no shows, but it felt like a hundred. The guests from later came earlier and the ones on time were supposed to eat outside, as booked, but wanted to go inside, so we ended up with 20 people to sit and serve at the same time. We had mosquitoes issues again, weird people and stressed colleagues. I could not get done soon enough. The problem I am facing most of the time, is the kind of customers we are having, they are dull and too serious, even asking them what coffee they want is a suffering, normally they are nice and a bit chatty, these ones can barely say whether they want chips or jacket potato. Yes, the tips were good but sometimes money is not everything, and especially if you think you gave your best service and table X didn’t even left a coin as a thank you.
It made me think back at when I was idle and had so much spare time that I was bored most of the day. Basically it was a month ago. Days would go by one after the other, all looking the same. They were dull. When Johnnie would call me in the morning to ask how my previous day was I would tell him that nothing interesting to say about it, «you know my life is boring«. I didn’t feel it would be attractive at all, and even my boyfriend would end up bored about me. Staying home all day was annoying, there comes a moment when you have no more chores to do. Sometimes I would even pospone them so much it felt I would never do them. I needed something to make my life more interesting again. For me and for others too.
This is the main reason why I took the job. I keep myself occupied and earn money, I can buy more models or other stuff I want and do something with my life even though it is not what I plan on doing forever. It was a win win situation. I think it still is as long as I remember it won’t last forever.
Last night I dreamed I was living in the countryside, finally. I had to wake up, on great company for a change, and while he had to go to work, I had to go and take care of the chicken, collect the eggs and feed them, then we had to buy some more stuff for the animals, so I was in charge to speak with the neighbours, Spanish, and figure out where to do so. Later on I went to the charity to see the new animal they rescued, which I can’t remember exactly what it was but I do remember how cute it was, and nibbly. As for work, it was my day off, so no hurry for me that day. It felt great, but not as much when I woke up.
As I said on a previous post about Dreams, I know they are just that, but sometimes they can help you figure out what you really want to do with your life. In my case I am relieved I never dream about my job, at least not up until now. It used to be like that, mostly when I was at the bar and I would wake up even more tired from serving drinks all night. It was almost like having nightmares. This time they are all about other things, like the last one. I think it is good. It helps me see the bigger picture and keep positive about my life at the moment.
I wouldn’t mind having to stay home and take care of the house chores if needed, as long as I have money to afford that way of life, but mainly if it was useful. It is like cooking, I know how to do it and I like doing it, but for others, for myself I find it dull and uninteresting. Too much fuss and work to be eaten in 5 minutes. When I have had someone coming over I have enjoyed it. It is the same if I had to be a house husband. Besides I know that some places require more work to be done than others and that is something to have in mind.
I don’t expect my life to be an amusement park, and I would not want that either. I try to find balance within. Years gone by have taught me nothing lasts forever and to try to see the bigger picture in every situation. That helps me with the routine at work, when I have bad customers or when I am exhausted after a long shift. I know life will improve, that I will be with my special one and that some dreams come true. It takes just a little more time and faith.
El camino de Santi 