Who Do You Think You Are?

When I started writing, 15 years ago or so, I was in my twenties and I wanted to be an example for readers. Now I am 40 and the people that have reached out to me after reading this blog, have told me to keep doing it. Apparently my stories have shown them things they thought they were the only ones living through, they could see themselves in them, and sometimes it gave them hope with whatever they are dealing with. So here’s more.

I am constantly processing new stuff I have been through, not always bad things of course, but those feelings or thoughts that have been coming back and forth for as long as I can remember. As I was lying in bed recalling about last week events, I couldn’t help but wonder, why do we have to pretend so much? Why can’t we be ourselves without so much judgement? Are we the ones who censor ourselves or is society so demanding on us?

I always say «you have to be yourself», but most of the time you can’t. Writing this blog I tried to, and still there are so many things I just can’t say, basically because some people would not like it, and others would find it offensive or shocking. Unfortunately our society has moved to a place where everyone is annoyed by everything and sometimes it gets impossible to be yourself without having someone being offended by it.

The other day I was trying to make a funny and spicy meme for my twitter account, and I asked my friend Johnnie for his opinion, and thus he is pretty open minded he found it a bit grimm. That’s the expression he used. The funny thing is I thought I had been careful and not been too hardcore.

Well, I get how it can be shocking for some people, but then again, it is my twitter account and I know that those who follow me there have seen much worse. Besides, I am not saying anything most of us have thought or felt before. Although maybe they won’t admit it.

It all made me think about the concept of being oneself, free and with no restrictions. This is not an easy task. Besides there is not many people with whom you can be truly you. Unfortunately this is how it goes but it doesn’t mean you don’t have to try.

One of the songs I grew up with was the hit called Never Gonna Say I’m Sorry by Ace Of Base. It was my soundtrack to cheer me up when I felt like a weirdo back in high school. I always used it to find the strong part in me, I’m never gonna say I’m sorry, I’m a clown for everyone, I’m never gonna let you down, I’m always here like a sun. Sometimes I thought they were singing it for me, trying to make me feel better. If being a teenager is hard, being a gay one was even worse, back then in the nineties. I didn’t know what or who I was, and I had to learn how to hide my true self and pretend to be someone else, for protection and to be safe.

Whether you are with someone, or single, we learn how to be someone else in public when we grow up as gay or any other member of the LGTBQ+ group. It is question of survival, that we keep using nowadays, unfortunately. Society has evolved but not enough for us to be safe being who we are. So we disguise ourselves and we pretend. Although it is exhausting. So we try to find people that allow us to be unshielded with them, to be able to breathe, to exhale.

Most of the time we think we can be who we are with our partner in life, whether we call him a boyfriend or a husband. This is how it should be, but not many can actually confirm this is what they have. They have to hide stuff from them. We’ll you shouldn’t. My advice to all the newbies and not so young is this: if you can’t be yourself with that person, then he is not that special, but most of all, he is not for you.

Also, if you think you can change him, whether because there are things you like but others you don’t, maybe because you think he needs improvement or whatever, then he is not the one either. Stop thinking he needs your help, you are not the Knight in shining armour or anything like that. First of all no one asked for your opinion, unless he did, and most of all, your job is not to change people, it is to support them. If it was the case where he asks your for suggestions then yes. Although you must remember, don’t do to others what you don’t want them to do to you. This works both ways, do not ever let anyone change who you are.

With all this said, I’m no one to lecture you about how to be with your partner, boyfriend or husband. Basically because if you have been this far, it’s because your relationship works. Which means you can probably be as close as you can to be your true self. Besides I am no one to judge these matters.

Some of you will tell me that family is there for that. Sorry but no. I mean, they are there for you and you should have the best relationship possible with them, but you can’t and probably shouldn’t be completely transparent with them. You may try, and maybe you are lucky enough to have that kind of bond with them. Most of us we don’t. I am not complaining about my family, but every time I have been truly honest with them and been me, I regreted it. So now I am as close to that as I can, but I keep some parts of me they cannot reach. Mostly for their own peace of mind.

Sometimes you constantly need approval from others, concerning people, whether you find them hot or not. It is your own opinion, you should not need the others. Unfortunately it is not easy to break from all the judgement from others. I remember when I was younger and my boyfriends were older than me, I had to deal always with that issue. My so called friends would wonder in secret, and sometimes even in my face, why I wouldn’t go out with someone my own age… Well it was obvious for me by that time as it is now. Although I must say, when I was 25 most of the guys my age were to immature for me, and they even looked like boys. I preferred guys in their 30’s. Now I can relate with people my age, but not always. So, back then it was really annoying to have to deal with those comments, which is why I decided to go on my own most of the time.

The main issue with people and their need to evaluate all that surrounds them, is that it may push you away. It is very hard to fight against it. Too much fuss and not that many rewards made me drift away from them. I was not the only one. Probably many people will realise how it was for them and why they had to hide and heal. Some of us went into therapy, which helped us grow up as individuals, others are still waiting. Getting professional help made me stronger and now I can say I don’t give a shit about what the others think. Nevertheless I know when I can be myself and when I have to pretend and sometimes it’s worth it, others I’d rather go away and be on my own.

It’s not easy to have to deal with what people expect you to be. Basically because it doesn’t matter how good you are, or how well you are doing, it will never be enough. Lately I have been exposed to that ugly question of «what’s your job?». I used to reply I was unemployed, and then face all those sighs and sad looks, as if I deserved better but for some reason I failed. You can’t imagine how annoying that is. The looks of disappointment are very hard to bear. So I decided to tell another story, since people are so judgmental, I now tell them I am a writer. It works most of the time and it diverts their attention into other matters. I shouldn’t have to do it but it is easier. Sometimes it spares you a lot of fuss and explaining to do so.

It is so hard to avoid judging and being judged by others that sometimes we just give up and pretend, it is way easier and faster just to give them what they want. Nevertheless, if you can find people around you with whom you can be truly you, whether they are friends, family or partners, never let them go.

February 2022