I have written a couple of times about this topic. Most of them from a single, younger and bitter perspective. Fortunately it hasn’t always been like that. Sometimes, on this day, I have been very happy and others just sad and alone.
As I have been reading what I have written about Valentines Day in the past, I can’t help but wonder, why so much fuss? How did it all start? Why do I want to write again about it?
I have been doing some research about the origins of this event, and from what I got, they are not sure. Because on one hand there was a roman festivity called Lupercalia, that was a kind of celebration for the spring to come, and it was mid February. They would do blood sacrifices and then pair the men and women for the rest of the year. On the other hand the Catholic themed one about martyrs Valentines, who were more than one with different stories about how they got killed. Considering how most of the religious holidays have been taken from the pagan festivities, it would not surprise me much that the first one is the correct one.
The truth is, Lupercalia survived the early Christianity, despite being a bit bloody, and by the 5th century the pope Gelasius declared Valentine’s Day on the 14th of February. Thus mixing both festivities and making them one christian. Despite this it was later on that this day got associated with love. The French and the English started to believe that this was the start of the mating season for many birds, therefore the romantic idea of that date began. It was not until the 14th century that the actual meaning of the day was actually used and written in poems and texts.
Nowadays this doesn’t matter. It has won a lot of popularity to the point where it is more a duty than anything else. Still it isn’t the same whether you have someone with you to celebrate it or not. Before I go on that, just let me tell you that the gift thingy about Valentines day started around the middle of the 18th century. So it is not, like some say, something the american movies made us do.
If you are single, then you have to endure all the movies and goodies with heart shape and pink. That is not always easy. It is actually another way society has to remind you that you are a failure. For most of us it was a nuisance to have that feeling of loneliness during the whole year, but on the days previous to Valentines Day it was even worse. According to most of the people, you have to be in a couple or else it means you are a weirdo, or damaged goods and no one wants to be with you hence you are alone.
My mother used to tell me, a long time ago, it was a celebration of friendship too… Too bad I didn’t have many friends back in high school, or in college. Nevertheless she was right. We tend to use it for lovers, but it is also a moment for friends. Still society didn’t help me feel better. Although I was not the only one. In university we used to call it Saint Dummy, since some of us were single and alone and desperate to find love. Or so we thought. We never stopped to think about all the good things we could do while being alone.
By that time a slasher movie called Valentine was released, in which the cast was murdered by a serial killer that wanted revenge on them, for ignoring him or her, I can’t remember. For us it was like the best movie ever. Basically because most of the V day related movies were very romantic ones with cheesy lines and sweet endings. (Love Actually) We were bitter and young, which is never a good mix. Keep in mind this was in our early twenties and some were experimenting with relationships while others were burnt by those first loves and couldn’t move on.
As the years went by, I had sometimes boyfriends in February, and others I was alone. So I learned it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes it was even awkward, like the time one of them proposed to me on this day, and then he left me 2 or 3 weeks later saying it was too much for him to handle. My sister got dumped on that day, 5 years ago. Something that everyone knows that should never ever be done. As if it was not bad enough she got murdered 9 days later. (The Day The Music Died). So as you can get, it is not always the best. Sometimes it gets creepy.
When in a couple, some years it was a thrill to get presents or tokens of love, and get them ready for him to get them. Same for the dinner preparations. Then you have to complain about the abusive price of events, hotel rooms, restaurants, menus and even gifts from late January to February the 14th. Only because they need to make profit out of this celebration. Which is probably why it has earned a bad reputation in the last decades. They overcharge you for everything.
Society managed to make this day a bummer whether you are single or in a couple or a thruple. It is either you pay a lot in what I stated before or it makes you look lame, and on the other hand, if you are single, then it reminds you how wrong you are for it, something is not working inside you if you can’t spend money on it because you are alone. No matter what is your status, you’re f..ed.
I have a friend who started to see a guy last month. It is something funny, because they met like 10 years ago, but they never got together, my friend had a relationship in between, and now both were single, they ran into each other and things seem to work well for them. So I asked him if he was going to buy something for V day, and he said to me it was not like they had been together for that long. I told him it doesn’t need to be an expensive gift, but just something to show you care. He told me he would think about it. Days later he said to me he bought him a watch, since his boyfriend was saying something about a trip for the two of them, so it felt the appropriate thing to do. That made me laugh. He fell under the spell after all.
Despite the rejection of the commercial vibe we all get during this period of the year, it is fun to see how, in the end, we all tend to bend to the stream and obey to the rules. We end up playing the game. Which is fine as long as we don’t forget the basics. Love is not one day. It is everyday to be celebrated and thankful for. As I said before, some of my past boyfriends have been amazing during that day, even the Trash, and then they revert back to being jerks. It is like the spell from Cinderella, but much more ghastly.
It is useless to be kind and loving just for one day in the whole year, if the other 364 you are a dick. We don’t need that. Why offering a ring and love for the rest of your life, if two weeks later you just leave without any explanations? Just keep it for yourself, keep the money and the shame. I never liked those teddy bears and nice things coming from a person that would make me cry and suffer the day before and the day after, but just for 24h he would be the person I loved and deserved, not the monster lurking in the shadows. The bruises still hurt during the Valentine’s dinner, and the fake tenderness and smiles were even more painful. Those are not the relationships that work. And we don’t deserve them.
Fortunately things change, and you end up meeting someone that doesn’t treat you like crap, a person with whom you don’t need to fake smiles or pretend anything on that day. Someone that is good for you during the whole year. Suddenly you are happy most of the time and celebrating Valentine’s day is just an excuse to do something more special than any other day. An excuse, to be honest, you don’t really need, because you can celebrate your love everyday, but it doesn’t feel awkward to do it. This is how it should be, whether you are in a couple, a thruple or single, do it because you want to, not because you have to.
February 2022
El camino de Santi 