Blast From The Past

As you all may have noticed I am better at writing in Spanish and about past relationships, but since most of them are already written or have been commented on previously, I want to review them, and give them an update. Actually it would be more like a summary of what my love life has been up until recently.

As I was having lunch earlier at KFC with my friend Johnnie and talking about junk food, I couldn’t help but wonder, why did it take me so long to get rid of all those bad relationships and move on? If the past is what makes us who we are now, why did I have to go through so much heartbreak?

Fortunately I am in a moment in my life where I feel safe and at peace with it. I can say this is easier to see from this perspective and being happy with someone that loves me back helps, but it hasn’t always been like this and I have suffered a lot in the past. The journey was long and hard.

I would say the worst one was with the Trash. My friend Rubén gave him that name after we broke up, saying he is like trash: «you don’t keep it, you just throw it away». Well he was right. Though it took me a year almost to realise that guy was bad, and I mean really bad for me. He made me feel good and loved and cared for and he ended up being an absolute asshole. He would tell me I was crazy, all the issues I had were my fault, that I needed therapy. Which was what helped me get away from him after I realised I was being gaslighted by him. He taught me so many things but I didn’t need the constant humiliation. As an example I would say sex with him started being great, but then he became more harsh and obnoxious. For example if I gave him a bj he would make me swallow it, because you know, he was my boyfriend so you have to swallow it, and then go wash my mouth or else no kiss. Same if we had sex. After he had finished his pounding he would tell me to go clean myself cause I was filthy. One of his favourites was weekends after breakfast, he would say to me: «listen, I’m gonna go upstairs and wait for you in bed. You have 5 minutes to clean up everything here and come up if you want to get sodomised. If you can’t make it too bad for you, you lost your chance.» No wonder why sometimes I would just lay there waiting for him to be done and go back to my stuff. If you want more stories about him you can check La Basura, I wrote many more about him there. Did I mention he is French?

One thing I got clear after I left him, the second time, and came back to Spain, was that I didn’t want to be with someone like that anymore. Years before that I had made a tattoo on my arm that I designed myself. It was to remind me to never let anyone treat me badly again. Before the trash, I had a very jealous boyfriend who also gaslighted me, he made me think that his love for me allowed him to treat me like crap. I couldn’t talk to anyone, or see any of my male friends because they all wanted to have sex with me. He even checked the time it took me to get from work to home to see if I would cheat on him or not. In the end I did it. I had guys coming over when he wasn’t here, or I would go to theirs because I thought if I was going to be blamed anyway I’d rather give him a reason. This helped me to get rid of him when I broke up with him. I told him everything otherwise he would have never left the house. Now he hates me but I don’t mind. He was bad with me. Sex was amazing though but it was not worth all the pain he gave me.

Between both jerks I met a lot of people, most of them never lasted more than a couple of months, the longest, and some not even weeks. For some reason I didn’t understand by that time why, but now I know they were not meant for me, nor me for them. One French guy even proposed to me. That made a lot of waves with my parents because I never told them about it. We were together for 3 months or so, and one day, out of the blue, just after morning sex he left. He got up, cleaned himself and just left. It was weird cause we had like that ritual were we would do it and then lay in bed for some time. Not like Saturdays when I had to go to work so it would be more hasty. When he got to his house he called me and said this was too much for him and I was too good for him. According to what he told me, he needed to be alone and think about his stuff. Apparently he needed some psychological help. That was it. I still talk with him sometimes, although I never saw him again. A couple of days ago he posted memories of when we were together on Facebook. He wrote he missed those days… Well I laughed.

During my life I heard the sentence «you are too good for me» so many times I can’t count it. I think in the end it was/is true because they are all gone and most of them even disappeared from my life. One guy I met after I came back from France would come home before his work. He was or maybe still is, a sports coach in a big gym, and used to teach collective classes. So you can imagine he was hot, and a very great lover so to speak. He would come home, have very hot sex with me and then leave very hastily. Until one day he never came back. He said he was busy, then he would left me on read on WhatsApp, until one day after no more news from him, I unfriended him from social media. This was five years ago. I never saw him again. No explanation whatsoever. I guess I also was too good for him from what I could gather from the conversations we had before he disappeared.

This is nothing new in my life. Many people I met in France and way before that, here in Spain, were only interested in me for a shag or two and then they would move on with their lives. Even I did it. When it gets boring or dull, you just don’t call back again. Even if it was good the first times. Although one thing I learned was that if you stay away some time and then meet then again, that sparkle is back for a couple of times. So the ideal would be not to get along too often with them. Honestly most of them were not even worth the wait. Too much fuss for not so great sex.

When we talk about sex and relationships it tends to get blurry. Well honestly, it used to, but not anymore. One good thing about growing older is you learn about how to differentiate one from the other. You can have a partner that is great in bed and still not be your boyfriend, but just a buddy; and you can also have a relationship where you have both or just one. If that latest is the case you should be worried or try to find ways to make it work. Believe me, if your lover is not fulfilling his sexual part, you need to fix that part or it will all fall apart. Boyfriends who are not satisfying in bed, or wherever you like doing it, don’t usually last long. Unless you have an open relationship but that is something I may write about later on.

What I learned from all the failed relationships I had and all the heartbreaks is that, if it doesn’t work and you are in pain, you should have it checked. Sometimes it’s not meant to be, others it’s just not the right person. Don’t let yourself go for second best or for people that don’t treat you like a king or a queen. You deserve better so if the time is not right then move on. Thanks Madonna.